claire30

Age 30

What is it about this age?

A lot of my family members are overweight. They all began to gain weight at age 30 and it progressed steadily from that point on.

Over the years, my relatives would tell me:  “You hit 30 and it all goes downhill from that point on. Next thing you know you’re looking at old photographs of yourself and realizing you don’t recognize that person anymore. Suddenly you’re a size 18. I wish I could go back to being as thin as you. It gets harder as you grow older, trust me. You’ll see…”

And I thought I was blessed with great metabolism. I believed that this wouldn’t happen to me. I was certain of it. I skipped through my twenties.

But it did. It just kind of creeped up on me. I turned 30 and I noticed my jeans were tight, then they stopped fitting me all together. I was in denial that it was happening and just kept eating. It’s like a curse. The 30 year old genetic curse.

My younger sister is 23 years old, same height as me and weighs 113 lbs. We used to swap, share and steal eachother’s clothes. Last time I went to visit her, (About a month ago - she lives in New York City now and I’m in San Francisco, we only get to see each other about once a year)  I was in her apartment and I found a pair of her jeans that I loved. I remember joking about how I was going to steal them. I playfully snatched them off her dresser and ran into the bathroom to put them on.

I couldn’t even get them past my thighs. Forget about trying to get it over my butt and stomach – or even having the opportunity to attempt to zipper them. I came out the bathroom and tossed them back at her. “Nevermind, they don’t fit…”

I guess that was the first moment I truly realized I had gained weight and I just kept gaining….

I feel encouraged by losing 4 lbs, but I realize that this isn’t going to be just a temporary diet. This is going to be a complete lifestyle change and it’s not going to be easy.

I wish the cravings would go away. I wish it was easier. It’s going to be a life long battle. I can see it now.

The 30 year old family curse.

At any rate.. There’s obviously something much bigger than my weight woes to focus on. Today is a big day in history.

Inauguration! Obama is going to sworn in as the 44^th president! At work, the big screen tv that usually broadcasts stock reports is going to tuned in. All the employees will be allowed to step away from their desks during the inauguration and watch as it all unfold in the reception area. My husband will be down at city hall (lucky!) celebrating with thousands of other people in san francisco. I’ll post some of his pics tomorrow.

I was really nervous about getting on the scale last night. To be honest, I was dreading it.

It’s not that I feared my weight would be the same. I feared that I might weigh more. I’m easily discouraged and I was afraid that all my efforts over the course of this week was in vain. I needed to see a glimmer of progress. Just a sign that I’m on the right path.

I was really surprised.

I LOST 4 POUNDS!

I actually lost four pounds! I couldn’t believe it. I stepped on the scale three times to be sure it was calculating right.

I felt ecstatic, empowered and in control for the first time in a long time. I’m doing it, I’m *really* doing it. I’m losing the weight! I’m getting in shape. It’s happening. Even though I can’t really see the difference, it’s actually happening!!

- I stopped drinking Dr. Peppers/Coca-cola all the time. I cut them out of my diet entirely (which wasn’t the easiest thing, it’s hard to break a habit.. but after the third day I stopped craving it)

- I drank a lot of water.

- I ate a lot of veggies. (particularly celery, cauliflower, broccoli, and baby carrots with fat free ranch sauce) and a lot of salads. There’s a local food market at the civic center on Wednesdays and Sundays I started going to for cheaper vegetables

- I ate a lot of low fat yogurt as snacks. Instead of icecream and cake, I went for frozen yogurts with mango pieces. (so delicious)

- I cut out butter from my diet and substituted it with fat-free cream cheese on my toast instead.

- I didn’t eat any chocolate. (so so hard because there is a bowl of DOVE chocolates on the ledge of my co-workers cubicle that I used to dig into every day. Passing it by was torture for the first few days) The only sweets I allowed myself was sugar-free hard candy.

- I ate low fat vegetable soup, pastas, soup and chicken dishes for dinner. No more frozen pizzas, burgers or ravioli. (I love cheese ravioli and pink sauce.. that was hard)

- I can’t afford to go to a gym but I walked an average of 3 and a half miles a day. Even on the days that I didn’t have to walk to work.

I slipped up once last week, so I can’t act like I’m perfect at this and I KNOW I’m going to slip up again. but I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. It’s nice not feeling stuffed to the limit and bloated all the time anymore.  I feel like I have more energy.

Last night I was so happy, I had to celebrate. My husband and i went to Jade for cocktails, went to the boom boom room to see a live band and then had some sushi. I didn’t feel guilty about the sushi, it’s nice treating myself at least once and a while.

This morning I felt confident enough to take a shower with my hubby again. Although to be honest, I made him close his eyes. I still don’t like to look at myself naked or want him to see me. (Yes, I’m still struggling with the self esteem issues)

But I’m getting there. I am.

I lost my first four pounds. I can’t believe how good this feels!

Now I guess the next question is.. Can I keep this up?

I met a girl at Peets Coffee yesterday while grabbing a non-fat latte. She ordered a scone and then commented “I’m going to have to hit the gym after this!”

The girl was beautiful, slim, curves in all the right places. She was a little taller than me and long blond hair that fell down her back,she was sporting a hip hugging dress and a form fitting white top.

I looked down at myself, with my belly bulging against my top and pants feeling too tight even with the control top panty hose underneath. I looked like bridget jones on a bad week and she was well… a supermodel.

Why does all my weight go to my face, my upper arms, my stomach and my butt. hers distributes all perfect, like marilyn monroe??

So we started talking about dieting and I confessed that I was struggling with my new diet.

“Yeah, I did too at first and Well, I’m really happy with my weight right now”, she said “But everyone has a different form and figure. So everyone has a different goal weight that works for them. I work out a lot to. I go to the gym five times a week to maintain this weight.”

She also told me that if I’m more physically active, I might gain some weight initially. But it’s all muscle and not to get upset. Muscle is good.

I’ll have to tell myself this when I get on the scale today.

Maybe this isn’t all about losing lots of weight but just about getting fit. Turning the fat into muscle and form. I’ll just look and feel good. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Gave me something to contemplate.

So Ms. Supermodel  wished me luck and strolled out of Tully’s with her scone. I watched the businessmen gathered in the corner follow her with their eyes as left. They were checking her out with appreciation. Then they glanced back at me and their expressions immediately switched over to disinterest. They returned to their conversation.

sigh.

I’m married, so I’m not looking for action by any means. But it would feel kind of good to to turn heads once in a while…. To feel sexy again and confident. I feel invisible.I want my husband to walk into a place with me and feel proud of the beautiful woman by his side. It used to be like that..

Now I’m embarrassed to go out because I can no longer find anything nice to wear that fits me. I’m rummaging through the closet for hours, than deciding that I don’t really want to go out at all because I feel so damn discouraged. I’ve actually cried because I couldn’t get my pants to zip after squeezing them over my thighs

I keep pushing him away when he tries to get intimate, I’m just so ashamed of my body and I don’t want him to see me naked. It’s horrible and It’s embarrassing to even write about this.

But that’s going to change.

…So it’s DAY 5 of my diet.

On the first day of my diet, I had told my husband about my desire to lose weight and get into shape.

My husband gave me the standard-loving-husband response “I love you no matter what weigh you are. You could be 400 lbs and it wouldn’t make it a difference to me”

I believe him. I do. I just… I felt like he wasn’t really listening to me…

But yesterday he surprised me with a delicious low fat version of chicken tikki marsala. He substituted the creme fraiche with non-fat yogurt and used LIGHT coconut milk. He cut every piece of fat off the chicket and cooked it without fattening oil.

I was so amazed and touched by this gesture. I feel like he’s really supporting me in this now. He even took a walk with me.

And With the awesome encouragement from Buddyslim over the past few days. (thank you!) and reading other people’s blogs. I feel like I can really do this. I can get into shape. It’s possible.(even if I stumble a bit on the way)

Today I’m going to get on the scale. For the FIRST time since I started this diet five days ago. It’s waiting for me on the bathroom, beckoning me.

I have a feeling I’m going to be disappointed so I’m waiting until tonight. If I discovered I GAINED weight, It will just put a damper on my entire day. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow….

How do you resist peer pressure when it comes to eating?

My friend, Sarah invited me out to eat lunch with her. I’ve been avoiding all my office friends and I’ve been munching on veggies alone at my desk during lunch break for the past 2 days. But It’s friday and I thought: “Why not? I’ll just order a nice salad and ask about their low fat dressings…”

I really was perfectly content with the idea of eating salad too. I had eaten yogurt with apple slices and toast earlier. I felt satisfied.

We entered Fuzios (a somewhat fancy italian restaurant in the financial district) and those seductive smells hit me. Everywhere I turned, I saw people being handed steaming plates of warm raviolis, pastas, pizza and seafood dishes. The scent was literally intoxicating.

NOW I was hungry. NOW I was… starving!

But I remained determined and focused. I reminded myself about my goal while I perused the menu and listened to Sarah go on about how great all the food is…

“You should get the Focaccia bread with chicken, provolone cheese, basil and peppers. It’s to DIE for...”

I shook my head and closed the menu “No I’m not that hungry. I’m just going to get a small mixed green salad“. I crossed my arms over my chest and felt quite proud of myself.

“What are you serious? That’s it? Come ON“, Sarah said

“I had a big breakfast“, I lied but then decided that honesty is the best policy.  ”and…I’m on a diet”

“A Diet?? Give me a break“, She said. Now she actually seemed irritated with me. A response I didn’t expect at all. “Okay, look. Why don’t we share the Focaccia Bread chicken sandwich and get a salad each with it…what do you say?”

“Yes, Fine.. sure“, Now I was slightly annoyed.

The waiter came up, we described our order. He hesitated and said “Are you sure that’s it? You don’t want to try one of our tasty appetizers, we have a special with the… blah blah blah…“. I tried to hum in my head to tune him out because it all sounded so insanely delicious. Of course I want one of your tasty appetizers! You know I do! Get away from me you evil man and stop torturing me like this!!

It was about this time that I stopped having fun. I didn’t want to be in this restaurant anymore. I just wanted to walk out.

The waiter arrives with the Chicken Focaccia sandwich. It was massive and dripping with oil. The pound of melted cheeses.. the oil.. the rich buttersoaked bread.. I imagined 1000 calories in each bite. It seperated into 2 portions. Each one was huge.

I focused on my salad which had an oily fattening dressing on it. It was soaked in it. I pushed it around on my plate… wondering if it would be weird if I only ate half. Would it seem wasteful? Would it seem like I’m putting on a show about how disciplined I am with my diet in front of Sarah?.

Sarah meanwhile dropped  my half of the sandwich in the plate next to me and pushed it over. “Eat! C’mon Look at ME, I’m pigging out here and you’re just examining your plate like you’re from another planet and you’ve never seen food before. You’re making me feel bad for even eating.”

I sighed and thought “screw it!”  Then I just started eating and eating. I shoved it all in. Even past the point of feeling full, I just kept going. I sopped up all the oil with my bread and licked my fingers clean.

Afterwards, I felt miserable, resentful, gross, stuffed and heavy. All the progress of the last few days felt like it had gone down the drain. I sat down at my desk and felt my stomach bulging over my pants. I felt the tightness of my pants. I looked at my reflection in the computer monitor. Moon faced and miserable. Nausea hit me and my eyes filled with tears. I wanted to eat more now, chocolates, icecreams, candy, chips.. Just forget about this whole diet idea. I feel so down on myself. I felt like such a loser. Later I went out with my bestfriend and had a big plate of sushi that I washed down with two Newcastle beers.

On only Day 3 and I already fell off the wagon. This is so embarrassing to write about but if I don’t write about this.. I’ll forget how I felt afterwards and just do it again.. and again.

Now it’s Day 4 and the dreaded 3 day weekend. I dread it because usually we would go out to eat as a social activity. so much temptation. I’m already feeling it. my stomach is growling and I really want bacon and eggs or Cheese ravioli drenched pink sauce. I don’t have work to go to, and walking those 4 miles to and from work was my main physical activity. Now I have to motivate myself to do it without the necessity, which is hard. It’s tempting to just loaf around and munch on the sunchips beckoning me from the kitchen cabinet.

Okay, no.. I’m going for a walk. I’m going to walk to Golden Gate park. Right now.

Today is a new day.

It’s exhausting trying to hide my weight.

4 months ago I started wearing tight control top panty hose under my pants. Then I layer a baggy button up top over a long sleeve thinner shirt. I’m constantly tugging the panty hose up over my stomach when my belly pops out. I’m always trying to suck in my stomach and stand up straight so the bulges don’t show. I come home and put on my baggiest pajama bottoms and my fluffiest Hoodie. Anything that doesn’t show how much I’ve gained. 

It’s also hard to deal with weight gain when your bestfriend weighs 116 lbs and looks like a supermodel. When all the girls in the office are in their twenties  and have twiggy figures. They’re wearing the outfits I used to wear but can’t fit into anymore.  Those outfits have been hanging in my closet untouched for months.  I feel frumpy around them and self-conscious. I just want to hide at a corner desk now and not be seen.

I want to feel confident again.

I want to be in shape. Not just thin, but fit. Healthy

I want to have great sex with my husband again. (lately it’s been me demanding all lights are off and cringing because I hate my own body so much. I can’t even enjoy it.)

It’s the morning of day 2 of my diet. I’m about to walk the 1.6 miles to work and try to resist lunch time temptations. I need to keep reminding myself why I’m doing this because it’s so easy to reach for food when I need some comfort at the office.

I’m working at a bank right now but studied to be a illustrator/designer in college. I was laid off from my last Design job (the budget was rescinded/the department closed) and took this just to pay the rent. My unhappiness with my job situation might have contributed to the excessive eating/drinking lately. The day goes by faster if I have a lot of snacks to keep shoving in my mouth and after work I can look forward to bunch of happy hour drinks with friends.

Last night I didn’t go out drinking with my husband to meet some friends. It’s something we do every Wednesday.. but I had to skip it because I knew I would be too tempted to drink beer and destroy all the hard work of my first day. I was also exhausted from all the walking. Almost 4 miles yesterday.

I just hope I’m doing this diet thing right….

I used to weigh 115 pounds. I could eat anything I wanted and I was always on the move. Being overweight is something I felt couldn’t touch me. I had great metabolism and I figured I was one of the lucky ones. I was grateful for it but also took it for granted that I could eat whatever I wanted. the word diet wasn’t a part of my vocabulary.

Then I turned 30.

Something has happened to me in the past few months. It happened so gradually, I almost didn’t see it happening.

 I’ve become painfully uncomfortable in my own skin. I stopped fitting into my size 5 clothing and started wearing baggy ones I had purchased at a thrift shop. (that are no longer baggy, but getting snug) I didn’t like how frumpy I looked but didn’t want to buy new clothing because I would have to come to terms with the fact that I have to buy a larger size. (denial) I started covering more of my body with clothing , lots of layers and stopped wearing shorts around the house because I didn’t want my husband to see me. I stopped looking at myself in a full mirror. When my husband would hug me from behind, I started to self-consciously pull away if his hand grazed over my stomach. Sex became an event that occured less and less. I always found an excuse. Tired, headache, stomachache, stress….I started feeling a disconnect but I was so busy with work I dismissed as just a temporary thing. “I’ll feel better tomorrow.. It’s just a crazy week that’s all..” I keep thinking next week I’ll get my mojo back and feel better about myself again…Then I would reach for some mint chocolate chip icecream for comfort.

 There was a company party last week and my boss took a lot of pictures. When he e-mailed them to everyone. I noticed I looked chubby in my face, I could see the bulge of my stomach through the shirt I was wearing.

 I closed the E-mail immediately and thought “that’s not me…must be a bad angle.”

 When I went home to visit my family in New York a couple of weeks ago. My mother commented that I looked “very healthy” Which is odd for her to say. Usually she uses the word “thin” to describe me.

My brother walked by and joked “Hey Fatty” But this is to be expected from my little brother who is a healthnut weight lifter without a shred of fat on his body. He’s always teasing me. I just figured he was just trying to get a rise out of me.

 It had been nearly a year since I last stepped on a scale during a physical and i didn’t even look at the weight she wrote down.

I stepped on a scale for the first time today.

It was at work actually. I bought the scale on a whim because it was on a Walgreens clearance display during my lunchbreak. I brought it back to my desk and opened it. My friend came by and jumped on.

she gazed at her weight. “124.. geez, I gained 2 pounds since christmas“, she muttered.

 ”Oh I’m probably the same, I know I’ve gained some weight over the past few months...” I responded with a laugh as I stepped on the scale.

But I stopped laughing when I saw the number.

141 pounds?

When did that happen?

My friend saw the number and said “wow, that scale must be off. You’re not…”

But she stepped back and really looked at me. She didn’t say anything else after that. Neither did I. I could see she realized that yes.. I AM. I made up an excuse about how I had to get back to work.

Then I went into the restroom and I pulled up my shirt. I gazed at my stomach hanging over my pants. My thighs jiggle when I walk. I have cellulite. My face doesn’t look the same. It’s round instead of oval.

I realize that this is life. I know. You gain weight as you age. 141 is not fat either. But I realize that if I continue in this direction, I’ll continue to gain weight. It will be harder and harder to turn back to the weight I used to be. It happened to my mother and she has been unhappy with her body for the past 20 years of her life. this is my moment when I realize I need to change my habits now before it becomes more difficult.

I don’t feel healthy. I’m smoking cigarettes, going to happy hour specials on weekdays and weekends with my friends. I’m eating out more than I should and I’m not working out.

I want to change. I don’t know what to do.. I don’t know what is the first step…but I guess acknowledging my desire to change is the first step, right?

Tomorrow is the first day of my diet. My new healthy lifestyle.

My goal is to feel comfortable in my own skin again.